I've Fallen and I can't Beam Up
by Sub Prime Directive
Summary: Set right after the Enterprise's return to Earth in Star Trek (2009), Kirk reflects on the events that occurred, the people that died. He wonders if it's fair that he got to live while so many others didn't. He takes a trip back to Iowa and the cliff he almost perished, considering if he should finish the job. Bones of course, doesn't let that happen. Not a one shot.


James Tiberius Kirk stood at the edge of Riverside quarry, contemplating. He wasn't in quite the same spot as he had been almost ten years prior, when he'd driven his father's antique car off a cliff, but it was close enough.

The sun was low in the sky, casting an almost golden haze over the barren landscape, one that almost matched his hair. The winds were unusually high, and Jim believed that if he held a more uncertain stance he might be blown off his feet. They were loud as well, but unfortunately not loud enough to distract him from his thoughts, or from his feelings.

After the Enterprise had returned to Earth, the cadets that had manned the starship had been given a brief period of time to relax, to see their families, and to grieve. They had a week before he and his peers were required to report for duty, as well as attend the ceremony that would have Kirk relieve Christopher Pike as captain of the Enterprise. Bones had gone to Georgia to be with his little girl, and as much as Jim wanted to go with him he'd politely declined Bones' invitation. He just had too much thinking too do. That thinking led him here, to Iowa, an actual trip down memory lane. To just one of his near-death experiences that could be called an attempt of suicide.

Now, as Jim stood at the edge of what had almost have been his rocky grave, he wondered if it was such a bad idea. Nero had murdered most of Vulcan's six billion inhabitants, and did the same to every cadet not safely aboard the Enterprise, yet...he was still here. He could have made the connection between the lightning storm and the Klingon attack sooner, he could have disabled the pulse device and stopped the destruction of Vulcan, if only he'd tried harder...if he'd been quicker...it just wasn't fair. He had held the potential to stop the deaths of billions, so how was it right that he was here now?

The wind suddenly picked up, and Jim stumbled forward. Not far enough to send him over the cliff, but enough to put him danger. It became harder and harder to keep still and he pondered whether or not he'd let the wind send him over the next time his balance was hindered. Jim lifted a foot, and held it over the edge. It was like playing a game of hokey pokey, as children did years and years ago.

 _You put your left foot in, you don't take your left foot out, you put your right foot in, and you're flailing all about,_

 _You do the hokey pokey til you're about to hit the ground, that's what it's all about…_

Jim took a step back, the whistle of the wind was dying down now and it was getting easier to think. He was afraid that if he became too clear-headed he wouldn't go through with it. It was only fair, right? To the people that he had failed to save? His breath grew short, and his heart began to pound, it was now or never.

James T. Kirk closed his eyes, and took a step forward.

But he didn't get very far.

A pair of arms wrapped around his middle and pulled back. He was dragged backwards with a violent force, and could barely make out someone yelling. His limbs wouldn't move, it felt like he was underwater. He had been so close, and yet was so relieved.

He was laid down onto the ground on his back, and a familiar face came into view. Bones. How did he get here? Jim studied him. His eyes were red and possibly...a little wet? His hair was mussed, his breathing heavy, and his mouth was forming words. What were they? Jim's vision lost focus as he tried his damndest to hear what was being shouted at him.

"You goddamn idiot! I can't...Jim why would you...did you even think about me? You're my best friend...what would I have…"

He didn't want to listen anymore, but until he got himself moving there wasn't much he could do.

"Jesus...what the fuck were you thinking...Just talk to me Jim, say something!"

He waited for Bones to continue yammering, but instead his friend was staring at him with an expectant look on his face.

"Sorry," He murmured.

An intense look of relief crosses Bones' features, and he laid down beside Jim. Bones' words made him think, and he considered his actions. Had he really been about to walk off a cliff? After all the hard work he'd done to get where he was today? After he'd saved Earth? It had made so much sense before, but now he couldn't see the logic. Jim sat up and took a look around. A little ways behind him sat a car, engine still running, and questions starting popping into his mind.

"Hey Bones...how did you find me?"

Bones sat up as well. Though he still appeared to be shaken up, a calm had apparently settled over him.

"Right before they stuck you on Delta Vega I implanted a monitoring device in your arm, so I could keep track of your vitals. It also acts as a tracking device. When I saw that you were heading here, I remembered that story you told me, when you damn near killed yourself. And I couldn't risk it. Then when I got here, and I couldn't find you, and your heart rate sped up, I thought…"

There was a moment of silence between them. Jim didn't want to think about what he put his best friend through, and he knew Bones wouldn't want to keep talking about it.

"You were spying on me?"

"Get in the fucking car."

He hauled himself to his feet, and they both sauntered toward the still-running car.

"And don't think you're out of the woods yet, you have a lot of explaining to do. And not just to me."


End file.
